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  • Writer's pictureFootsteps Counseling

I'm not looking for a relationship right now...

If you're not interested in reading the relationship advice of someone that met their husband at 16 and has had absolutely no other romantic experiences, scroll on.

I respect that.

I am not a relationship expert, but I like to think I'm somewhat of a people expert. My entire life, and much of my identity, is defined by my innate ability to be able to view people from every angle. And, because people are not people without the context of their relationships, I look at them like tangled webs that I love to observe and unravel.

Part of my work is helping people sort through the cycle of romantic breakups, resulting grief, and eventually getting back into dating. Throughout the stages of this process, I often hear the statement:

"I'm just not looking for a relationship right now."

And to that I say, with all the love in the world, that's bullshit.

Now Pause.

If you're reaction to that is :

I don't have the time, money, or energy to fall in love right now.

I'm not talking to you.

For literally everyone else:

You're on the dating apps, you're out of your comfort zone, you're in the fucking trenches of unsolicited dick pics. You are 100% looking for a relationship or you would never put yourself in such a shitty position.

So when I hear, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now," my challenge is

What about a relationship are you not looking for?

Are you not looking to be vulnerable?

Are you not looking to invest time and energy into someone else?

Are you not looking to be emotionally manipulated? Or demeaned? Or let down?

Are you not looking to get hurt?

Name it. Name that fucked up thing that your ex(es) did to you that is keeping you from having faith that this hell scape of a dating scene is even worth it. And then, speak the opposite into existence.

"I am looking for a relationship right now," means:

I am looking to be valued and respected.

I am looking for someone to be honest and vulnerable.

I am looking for someone that is emotionally mature and aware of themselves.

The minute you stop defining the word relationship by what's already failed, you'll be ready for one.

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